last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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