I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
