I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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