Porn is love you can see.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every concussion has its silver lining
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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