Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Please, let me fuck your mom
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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