Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
time to smoke my breakfast
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
