So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
