I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
