***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.