note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26