You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...