"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
