Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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