I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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