my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
