yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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