I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
