She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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