I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
