ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
