go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We left the knife in your bed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
