if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
