That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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