is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
