I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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