The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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