btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
