I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
