you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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