two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
