I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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