i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
