Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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