Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they need to just BURY HIM!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
