proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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