I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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