no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize