My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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