a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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