Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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