We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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