so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
