I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
