Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
