Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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