Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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