6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
