i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
