The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
