there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
