I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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