I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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