I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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