Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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