I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I see more hoeing in ur future
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
