i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
