when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
