I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
