I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
