im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
