I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
